An Angel's Beacon

by: Kayla Fox

My eyes widen as he tells us the news, the horrible news that I know it is just tearing him up inside to tell us. Even afterwards, so many hours later, it takes so long for me to accept this. So hard to understand this...

"He's dead."

Even Wufei bows his head at the words. Heero looks so distant, something not all that surprising on the Japanese ex-pilot's face, but this time it's different. A far off look in those cobalt eyes that looks almost as if he were daydreaming. Heero is not a daydreamer. He is always attached, unlike myself, who constantly fantasizes about the future Trowa and I can now have. I remember a warm night not long ago that Duo and I had spent together, talking about nothing in particular. When the conversation turned to our...lovers...he got that glassy look in his dark indigo eyes that I had only associated with myself before then. Half-connected, half-not noticing anything but the sweet images in my own mind, I ask what he wanted of the future. His answer revealed so much, it was enough to draw me back out of my imagination.

"I want to just live, Quatre. Because if that happens, I'll guarantee that Heero will be there too." So sure, so foolish, it was a statement that was Duo all over. My mind jumps, my stomach clenches when I realize the truth.

There will be no more of those long summer nights speaking of loved ones, no teasing good-naturedly about a certain someone's obsession over another. No more, no more! Never, ever again!

I feel Trowa's arm around me, pulling me against the strong body, as if he knows I'm going to need something to support me. Do I? Will I? Everything seems to be going in slow motion, like a movie. Yes, a movie. An escape from reality, somewhere where people reawaken from death when the director yells 'cut'. A place where I don't have to feel my heart being torn apart, even though my cheeks are wet with pain and I just can't seem to catch my breath, sobs forming in the relentless way they tend to form.

"Duo's--Duo's dead?" The words seep past my lips before I notice them wanting to sound. It's almost like a reflex; that question, brain and body begging to receive a negative answer.

Heero nods. He just nods

But, I just can't stop. "How, how did it happen?!"

Heero averts his eyes, and I feel Trowa flinch against me. My head is screaming for me to shut up and not be stupid for once, but I just need to know! "Please, Heero. How could it have happened?"

Heero shakes his head, eyelids sliding closed. "I don't know, Quatre." His fists shake uncontrollably at his sides. I can just tell this is eating him up as well. I know that if something really pushes him that control will slip and that mask will crumble.

"What? What do you mean you don't know!? How could you not?! Heero! Duo's dead! You must know!" I scream at him. No, wait, Duo can't be dead. I can see those violet eyes again, I'll hear that chuckling voice again. Trowa's hold tightens on me, and he turns me towards the door to my room. Nodding to Heero, his lips a tight line, he steers me away, my eyes staying on the Japanese boy standing there so stiffly. Wufei is walking away with us, but I don't really care. Heero! Look at me!

"Heero! Heero! Trowa, matte!" I beg, but Trowa doesn't hear me, he's on the brink himself. He's breaking, something I've never seen him do. "TROWA! PLEASE!" I scream, and he picks me up, a double armful of me, and carries me out of the room. Just as well, my knees were giving out anyway.

Quatre, when screaming, can make you loose control. I know that well, but during much different circumstances. Whenever I had heard him shout in pain over a comm channel in battle, my grip on the throttle tightened, and my adrenaline pumped faster. My will to live skyrockets, and I fight only to make sure I can heal his hurts. Inhibitions don't matter anymore when the one you love is in danger. I suspect Heero was thinking the very same thing just several hours ago.

Quatre screaming at Heero, however, is dangerous, especially now, when he is so close to loosing the control that keeps him stable. I have no idea what it feels like to loose the one you hold so close to your heart. Heero's heart has been so conditioned not to love... it amazes me that Duo could manage to get through that barrier. Yet, now that he's gone Heero no longer has that screen to keep those emotions back. I can only hope he is taking it well.

Quatre sure isn't. He's kicking and screaming like some little kid in my arms, saying that I don't understand. He's right, I don't. I've never lost anyone that dear to me, and I hope I never do. I knew Duo, yes. He was a good friend, true. I have no doubt I'll cry with Quatre tonight, but now, for his sake, I must not break down. I have to stay strong with him.

"Trowa! I must talk with Heero!" Quatre tells me. I stop, looking down at him with my most intense gaze. He freezes, blue green eyes bright with tears.

"Quatre, I think that will do more harm than good." I say. Quatre's eyes tremble.

"He needs someone, Trowa." he argues.

"He needs Duo," I state, and Quatre lets more tears go. "and both you and I know that we can't do that for him." Quatre looks at me, then buries his face in my turtleneck, sobbing, soaking the fabric clear through. I close my eyes, holding him closer to me, letting my own sadness spill over. Opening them again, my cheeks wet and warm, I look over my shoulder and through the living room doorway. Heero is still there, his shoulders shaking, and I keep moving, not wanting to be a spectator to something so sad.

Wars are the time when soldiers are in danger, not afterwards. Death takes place during the war, not after. That was what Nataku told me. I guess Nataku was wrong. This is what my life was destined to be like, to loose everyone.

Meiran, then Treize, then Duo.

"I was wrong, there really is no justice." I whisper to no one in my room. Staring at my kendo swords and my tea jars, those simple things that don't remind me of any of the people I have lost. Meiran was stubborn and had a taste for things bright in color. My room is almost completely white. Treize had a flavor for things exotic, and romance flitted in those cornflower blue orbs. Upon his death I had smashed every Indian oil I had owned. Duo was upbeat and obnoxious, a lover of loud music and distracting art. I'd never even owned a CD, and the one painting I had was a landscape. I just don't want to be reminded of it all. Of the people who are now dead.

The memories finally catch up with me, the feelings of dread and hurt and heartache that I've been pushing away for so long.

Slowly, very slowly, I cry myself to sleep.

Dead.

Dead.

Dead.

Dead.

Dead.

Dead.

Dead.

Dead: gone forever, not living, can't touch, non-existent, lifeless, not here, can't kiss, unseeing, motionless, without life, without love, without breath, without me.

My eyes ache from the resistance I've put them through, I want to just collapse and sleep forever, just like I know Duo is doing now. My body is shaking without my conscious control, not that I have any left, anyway. I'm too intelligent to lie to myself that way. I'm always so direct, perhaps too direct. Perhaps I could have softened the blow for Quatre. Perhaps I could have softened the blow for myself.

That's over now, anyway, and I am still dwelling on it. I'm becoming disgustingly sentimental. Duo, damn you...

I have to piece myself together. I walk towards the sofa, focusing myself on the green leather it's made of, forcing one foot in front of the other out of sheer stubbornness. One of my steps falter and I sneer. I've been through worse, haven't I? I don't know, my mind seems so fuzzy and synthetic right now. Another twisted step and I'm down on one knee. I can't summon the strength to stand if my life depended on it. All I can do is kneel there, my eyes blurring around the edges with...

No...that's the worst thing I could do. Blinking severely, I put the other knee down on the thick white carpet, staring at its flawlessness. I concentrate on my sight on the fold in my jeans, the line of my fingernails, the ripples in my sweater, anything to keep that burning away from the corners of my eyes. Unwittingly, my thoughts drift, first to where Trowa went, wondering if he is this weak, to break down. Most likely, I am the Perfect Soldier, after all. Then they become loose and float to another off kilter topic; Relena. Relena? What the hell? I visibly shake that one away, and the face in my mind's eye shifts to another. Another with liquid violet eyes, an annoying braid that he's wringing in his hands, and the normally talkative line of his mouth firmed into a straight line.

A memory. One that I hadn't wanted to think of. Not now. Not now when I'm close to loosing it completely. My mind ignores me, and continues with the sliver of past reality.

"Heero..." he speaks, looking at me.

"What?" I reply impassively, stopping my typing for only a moment. He drags a booted foot on the floor, nervous and bashful all of a sudden. I stop typing again. "I said what, Maxwell."

"Idiot. You IDIOT!"

He ducks his head, unsure of how to continue, then takes a deep breath. "I'm really glad the war's over." he says quickly, the twisting of the braid stopping. I snort. "And I'm very glad that you survived." he finishes lowly. I start typing again.

"Getting sentimental in your old age?" I say, an unsettling emotionlessness.

My teeth grind.

"I just wanted to say I'm glad you made it through, Heero, because If you hadn't..." he trails off. I turn around, a little surprised.

"What?"

He looks up, tears unshed in those laughing amethyst pupils. "If you hadn't, I wouldn't have either."

And then the bomb went off.

It was dark at first, empty and lukewarm and pleasant. I could breathe so well, if I was breathing at all. I felt free, like I wasn't wearing any clothes, all that wasn't me was gone. It was murky abyss around me, a deep emerald green haze. It was like water, a water of emerald that didn't sparkle, but only enveloped me. My eyes are tired, but aren't allowed the luxury of being closed. I stare straight ahead of me in minimal interest, wondering feebly about where I could be. I can't remember anything or anyone or anywhere I've been. Have I been here all my life? I shrug, not really caring. I'm here now, so what's the difference?

Then the light came, and shattered my dreamy pleasantness very thoroughly. My head lost that wonderful emptiness and I could see something I didn't want or need. I only had the desire to sleep, to rest, to do nothing. Something approached me, the blinding white not allowing me to see it properly. I tried to scream at what I saw, but nothing came, and I didn't even move at all. People, so many people around me floating in that watery green. They all looked drained, unfeeling, not even there. I looked back up the creature descending what looked to me like a staircase of stone. And it had wings, glorious featured wings that were a horrifying contrast to the darkness around it.

An angel.

It stood beside me, and my head started to hurt. Pain...it seemed so alien to me for some reason. So unreasonable in a place so sweet. I could see her features now, and she was feminine and blonde, dreamy blue eyes gazing down upon me, something soft in their depths. She stopped the water sloshing around me so I floated at the staircase's beginning where she stood. Then she touched my forehead, a soft, cool gesture that made the pain go away. I felt empty and lifeless again, blissfully mindless to the world. Then I saw something, something in my mind's eye. She... the angel next to me was reading my memories. Then the anger came. I didn't like the intrusion, the thing invading me so. The memories overwhelmed the anger, and I saw him. Heero. Those piercing blue eyes, the unruly brown hair, the sunkissed skin that I longed to have next to mine. It was like remembering him for the first time. My heart ached when I remembered the last moments, realizing them. The rafter, the fire, the blood, oh God the blood. The image faded away to Quatre's living room, which puzzled me a bit. I saw Heero crouching on a white carpet on one knee, the tightness at the corners of his eyes showing that he was breaking. Breaking...him...? I wanted to be there with him, to show I was all right. I didn't want to here. All of a sudden I didn't want to be here, anywhere but here! Because I remembered the fire, the pain, the blood...

I was dead.

My cheeks were suddenly wet with tears, if I could cry at all. Dead? Dead. How...how could I be dead? Everything was over! I could try to...to...to be with Heero...

The thing...the angel...was here to collect me. I was sure of that now, as the memories faded again. I wouldn't be in this river forever, and I was suddenly filled with worry. I'd killed so many...was I going to Hell? My body trembled at her touch, and she suddenly pulled back, as if burned. Those blue eyes were like glass, her yellow brows furrowed in something I just couldn't read. Perhaps it was my memories? I didn't know. The thought of Hell overwhelmed me too much to care.

But she changed all that when she spoke.

"I saw him." Her lips didn't move, but I heard her voice in my mind, sweet and clear and almost childlike. "I saw the one you love, a kind of adoration I've seen but once hence today." Her dialect was English, and it calmed me a trifle. She was wearing white, with gossamer wings and was everything Holy. I blinked, if I could blink at all. I discovered then and there that she must be here to bring me to Heaven. Heaven. I didn't want to go there. I wanted to be on Earth, with Heero, not with God and His angels. Damn him if he frowned upon my thoughts. I was in love, and a teenager, and I'd be damned if I stopped being rebellious now.

Her eyes softened, probably hearing what I was thinking, like I had her. Perking her head up, she touched me again, and the memories shot through me, faster this time. Heero, the war, the Gundams, and my almost confession to him. I felt dizzy when she took her hand away, her brow pulled together in what looked to be contemplation. Looking at me, he nodded to herself once, and placed her face in a blank expression once more.

"You love him, and I see through God's great wisdom that he loves you in return." I didn't even have time to revel in that, her words spoken next are too important. "If you wish to speak to him, to tell him those thing never spoken, and hear them in return, I can grant that, even though the Lord would not approve. I know it is what the Fates have struggled with." She closed her eyes, and my spirit was lifted out of the emerald river, hanging in the darkness with a white glow about me. I stared at her, frightened as to what she was talking about. Death was death, wasn't that the end of everything? She stepped forward, coming to me, understanding my thoughts, and I wasn't angered that it knew all about me anymore.

"If you wish to see him again, you must do this..."

My eyes widen. The consequences she whispers to me are unbearable, something that I feel my soul shudder at. "If you wish to see him again, you must give yourself up to the Lord's traitor, the Lucifer, and return with him to the Seven Circles. That is the only way, it is God's punishment for rejecting the Holy ways, which you have done." Even as she speaks those words, her face is kind, and I can see that even in her current fate, she does not always agree with her Lord. I close my eyes, and this time I did cry, a single tear falling from my cheek and splashing into the River Styx, where a pool of perfect golden water formed, fading away slowly.

The blade was cool against my wrist, and my heart sung at the relief I knew it could serve me. Complete release from this pain, this whole world, which has been so cruel to me...and Duo. As it slices through my skin, the coolness spreads into me, severing both the veins underneath the thin barriers. Red surges forward, and I start, dropping the knife, aware of the gushing crimson falling to the perfect carpet. I look at the blood almost confused, slowly becoming aware that I've slit my wrists. Something so final, something even the Perfect Soldier is capable of. I lie on the floor, staring at the bleeding with very wide eyes. I can already feel my body running low, because my heart is beating so fast. This is the end. Duo, wait for me...

An angel hangs her head, already hearing the beckoning of God in her mind.

"God luck, then, young one."

Looking back only once to see the young soul, she starts the long journey from the river back up to where she belongs.

Something white. Something unearthly. That's all I can think as the light penetrates my eyes. I open them, a little flustered, as the shine in the center of the room grows brighter. I feel lightheaded, the blood loss slowly killing me, but I really don't care. I'll be with Duo soon. I look, and the warm beacon grows brighter. My mind races, filing through possibilities of that it could be. A firefly. A sunrise. A star. All of them wrong, my eyes tell me. It goes brighter, and it's taking shape. I'm frozen, locked in place. All I want to do is die, hoping that this is just a hallucination. The features sharpen, glow into focus. My heart stops, my hands shake, blood splashing more and more around me.

"Duo..."

to be continued ...