Note: This is my story about how Quatre came to realize his feelings for Trowa. Standard disclaimer applies here. All characters belong to their respective owners, yadda yadda yadda... This is only my second Gundam fic, and only my first yaoi/shounen ai fic. Any misspellings of names or whatever are purely my fault. You may send me any questions, comments, whatever. I would like to hear your response to this, so e-mail me at the address below to get your comments across.
Also note, this is a YAOI fic, meaning boys touch boys in THAT way, so be forewarned. I would also appreciate it, if you are under the age of 18, to please leave this site. I know I can do nothing to stop you, but I'd rather not recieve flaming e-mail from outraged parents if you are underaged and get caught reading this. Thank you, and I hope you will enjoy this...

Quatre Raberba Winner

My name is Quatre Raberba Winner. At the time of this writing, I am sixteen years old today. My story isn't for everyone, but I felt I needed to share it with someone. So, if you are interested, get comfortable. This may take a while...

I should start at the beginning, I suppose. I guess the beginning would be when I met him. He called himself Trowa Barton, and I still call him that today, even if it isn't his true name. Anyway, we met on the battlefield, on the same mission against OZ, of course. I knew from the start that we shouldn't be fighting each other. We were fighting for exactly the same thing, after all: peace and independence for the colonies and Earth. I was the first to open the hatch of my Gundam, Sandrock, and call for an end to our fighting.

"Stop! We shouldn't be fighting each other!" I called out to him. A moment later, he stepped out, hands raised in surrender. I smiled, relieved. "Put your hands down. I'm the one who came out and surrendered first, remember?"

Later, back at my home that I shared with the Maganac Corps, we didn't talk much. Not that I didn't try to start a conversation, of course. It was just... He was so quiet and mysterious; distant, as though he were afraid of feeling friendship towards another. I didn't press the issue. I was glad enough that he had come back with me, that I had gotten the chance to meet and spend time with a fellow Gundam pilot. Just being in the same room with him, knowing I wasn't the only one, was enough to fill my heart with joy.

I decided, for whatever reason, to practice my music, seeing as how there wasn't much conversation between us. I started a particularly pleasant melody on the player, lifted a violin to my chin and started to play harmony to the music. To my surprise, he stood and chose a silver flute from the case of instruments, then joined in on a higher key, playing harmony to my harmony. He played so beautifully... I couldn't help but wonder where he had learned to play so well. I didn't dare ask about his past, for fear that he would leave without another word if I did. So we played, and I began to feel strange as I watched his fingers moving so lightly over that flute, bringing forth tones that were both strong and sweet. Our pure, clear notes filled the room, until finally the recording ended.

He left so suddenly that following morning. I was sorry to see him go, but made no move to stop him. "Won't you at least tell me your name?" I asked through the open window as he tread slowly across the deep sand. "My name is Quatre Raberba Winner."

A pause, and then he turned to look up at my window. "I have no name," he said finally, "but if you must call me something, it's Trowa. Trowa Barton."

I knew in that moment that our story had not ended yet...

The Victoria Base mission: how I've longed to erase that tragedy from memory. But in a way, it was also a good mission. I met up with Trowa again, and later found out about the other pilots.

I felt awful about lying to the Maganacs about where I was going on my own, but I couldn't lead them into this kind of danger, no matter how loyal they were to me. As I arranged for a hotel room from a pay phone, I saw him. He was driving a large flatbed truck, with a mysterious cargo covered in tarp strapped to the trailer. His Gundam, no doubt, and I realized he must have the same mission as I had, or else one very nearby. I hurried to catch up with him as he waved the truck onto a huge cargo ship.

"So we meet again!" I called breathlessly, jogging to reach him before he could disappear into the ship with his truck.

"I'm doing this alone," he stated coolly, no trace of emotion in his quiet voice.

Unshaken, I suggested,"But what if we help each other?"

"I don't think so." He turned and began walking away from me. My heart sank, but I refused to give up so easily.

"Two heads are always better than one, you know!" I reminded him hopefully. He said nothing and continued to walk, but I interperated his silence as an invitation. Smiling, I got my own Gundam loaded onto the ship with his. He didn't refuse me, so I knew it was his own way of accepting my offer. It felt good to know someone would appreciate my help...

Things were bad for a time after my father was killed. I allowed myself to be controlled and confused by the Zero system in that evil Gundam that both Milliardo Peacecraft and Heero Yuy piloted for a time. I did some terrible things, destroying whole colonies out of revenge and the feeling of betrayal by the people I had sworn to protect. Trowa and Heero confronted me, piloting new OZ mobile suit models. I was insane then, I know now, and I attacked them for trying to stop me from my path of destruction. Just before his mobile suit exploded, Trowa told me something that I will never forget. "We have all become nothing more than redundant soldiers, Quatre." And before that, "What happened to the nice guy I once knew?" His words, more than anything, I think, snapped me out of my craze. But before I could stop anything, his mobile suit exploded, sending him drifting aimlessly into outer space. As I cradled Heero's broken body in my arms only a short time later, dribbling water from my hand into his mouth, hoping I hadn't killed him as well, I half-wished it was Trowa I held instead. I went through a period of self-pity and depression after that, knowing I had to keep fighting, though it was hard, knowing I had probably killed one of my best friends...

I saw him again, though, alive. He couldn't remember me, and his "sister" Katherine wouldn't let me near him. I was at once flooded with joy at seeing him alive and well again, but also sorrowful that I couldn't even apologise to him. He didn't know who I was anymore...

Though his memory was gone, he joined us again in our fight against the White Fang. Soon, he regained that lost memory, during a battle in his newly-recovered Gundam, Heavyarms. I couldn't describe how happy I felt when he spoke to me, recognition in his voice for the first time since his amnesia. I think I cried, but things were happening so fast in that time...

There was Dorothy Catalonia, granddaughter of Duke Durmail, who challenged me to that fateful duel. I didn't want to fight her, because I saw in her someone a lot like myself. She hated war, deep down, I knew, and she used her anger and passion to fuel her desire to see battles carried out, for the purpose of showing people how truly horrible war is. I was telling her how kind she really was, kinder than me, even, while I was impaled upon her fencing sword. Trowa came in soon afterwards...

The war is over now, at least for a while, I hope. Our Gundams sit in wait in an almost forgotten mobile suit hanger now, patiently looking ahead to the day when they might be needed again. We still visit them occasionally, to sit in the cockpit of the mobile suits that had served us so faithfully in that period of turmoil, and think back on our battling days. Wufei more than the rest of us, of course, as he still likes to carry on his conversations with his beloved Nataku. Maybe she even answers him, in her own way. One can never be sure with Wufei. Anyway, with the war over, other things moved to the front of our lives. Relationships, for one.

Heero and Relena have been off and on for a while now. They seem so perfect for each other sometimes, and then then in the next moment they're having an argument. Relena is very possessive and clingy towards Heero, and he resents that fact to an extent. I sometimes see Duo look at them together with a strange look in his eyes. Sorrow, perhaps, and maybe a little jealousy. Then he turns around and gives everyone that goofy grin of his, and one would never know such a different expression had ever touched that cheerful face. I wonder, is it Relena he's pining for, or Heero? Other than that, he's been keeping in touch with Hilde, and the two appear to be fairly close now. Wufei and Sally Po have also had their encounters, and I think there may be something more than just work going on between them, if you catch my meaning. Trow and Katherine have also been keeping in touch, catching up on all the years of siblinghood lost to their early separation.

I had nobody I considered special in that way, though. I had the Maganacs, of course, and they have been very good to me, but I had nobody specific to care about. Dorothy wasn't exactly interested in me, which was a relief, in a way, but it would have been nice to share more time with someone who was so much like myself. Then again, maybe it wouldn't have worked out, anyway. She always was a little too scary for me...

So what did that leave me with? Maybe that's why my attentions turned to Trowa in the first place. Though he was living mostly with his sister in the circus, he came to stay at my estate often. I always looked forward to his visits. His presence seemed to fill the emptiness of the mansion, and the emptiness in my heart, for a while. We talked long into the night, when I could get him to talk at all. When we didn't, that was fine, too. It was like when we first met, not saying a word, but understanding each other in a way that words can't portray. We'd even play music together sometimes, just to hear the notes sliding through the air as if on gilded wings.

My feelings for him grew stronger over time, until one day I realized that it wasn't just friendship I felt for him. I loved him. He completed that empty part of me, but he took it away again every time he left. It was, I knew, because he didn't love me in return.

This realization caused me grief for a while, and I would occasionally fall into the grips of depression, but I kept my feelings hidden from him for a long time. But he must have seen my dilemma in the way I acted, somehow, because one day he approached me to talk.

"Is something bothering you, Quatre? You've had this distracted look on your face ever since I got here," he began, sitting beside me on a bench in the small, ornamental garden in the courtyard. I was watching the koi fishes skip back and forth in their enclosed pond, looking much like trapped sunbeams beneath the clear water. A cherry tree bloomed sweetly above our heads, misting down fragrant white petals every time a breeze blew past.

"It's nothing, really," I replied automatically. This was the same response I had been giving to everyone who asked about my recent sullen demeanor. "I'm just thinking."

"Penny for your thoughts," he offered, fixing me with one of his rare, slow smiles. I melted at that gaze, but turned away before he could see it in my eyes.

"Like I said, it's nothing. Nothing at all." I stood, losing my nerve to continue this converation. If I let slip how I really felt about him, he would never look at me te same way again. He might even avoid me altogether, and I couldn't deal with that.

He shrugged and let it drop. On a change of subject, he glanced at the fish in the rock pond and casually mentioned, "Have you ever noticed that the word 'koi' can either mean 'carp' or 'love', depending on the situation?"

My heart skipped. Was he teasing me? Did he know? "Yes, I was just thinking about that, actually," I answered truthfully. He always knew just what I was thinking, which only added to my affection for him.

"Quatre, do you like me?"

The question was so bold, so unexpected coming from him, that I nearly fell into the koi pond. "What?"

"Do you like me?" he repeated, insistant. His expression was serious, but otherwise unreadable.

"I-In what way?" Stupid, stupid Quatre! Wrong answer! "Um... Yes?" Better, but not the best you could have done, I berated myself.

He nodded as if satisfied, then asked another question. "Do you think you would ever like me in...that way?" Now he sounded hesitant, tense, as though expecting rejection.

I felt my breath leave me in a rush. I hadn't noticed I had been holding it until then. "Oh, Trowa... I could never tell you..." I looked deep into his green eyes, eyes that wanted an honest answer, no matter what it may be. Deep breath, Quatre. "I love you, Trowa. I've loved you for a long time now. I was just too afraid to tell you..."

Relief seemed to wash over him. "Quatre, I feel exactly the same way about you," he admitted, eyes bright now with tears. Cherry petals swirled around us.

That confession was a major turning point in our relationship. Trowa moved in with me, still visiting his sister whenever he could. Nothing seemed to have changed, outwardly, but when he left to go somewhere with out me, I no longer felt empty. I knew he loved me, and that was all I needed. Nothing remotely physical came to pass between us until New Year's Eve, when all five of us Gundam pilots gathered at my place for a small party. We were telling each other of our New Year's resolutions...

"Say, Heero, what are your resolutions?" asked Duo, chugging down another beer. Nobody tried to stpp him, though we all worried about his drinking problem. He'd turned to alcohal recently after things went sour with Hilde.

"To break up with Relena. For good," he muttered in reply, downing a glass of champagne himself. "Yours?"

Duo brightened into a patented "Duo is pleased" grin and said, "My resolution? To make damn sure you follow through with yours!" To Heero's surprise, but apparently not dismay, Duo planted a big, sloppy kiss on his cheek. Dazedly, they stared for a while at each other before hastily excusing themselves and hurrying off together to one of the guest bedrooms. We three remaining pilots blushed at this display. I felt strange. Duo and Heero had barely exchanged a glance, and now they were doing who-knew-what in the next room, while Trowa and I had yet to share our first kiss two months after our confession. I looked over at Trowa, who was doing the same to me. We both blushed harder, and I began to giggle a little drunkenly. I think it was the champagne that did it.

Wufei suddenly passed out on the floor in front of the fireplace, even though he'd only had one beer, and not even the whole thing. We both giggled at this, and carefully moved him onto the couch.

"I guess this is the end of the party, then," I said regretfully once our gigglings had subsided.

"Not neccessarily," Trowa replied. With great care, he took my face between his hands and slowly lowered his face to mine. I really, really wanted to accept that kiss, but a bubbling burp escaped my lips, sending me into another paroxym of hysterical giggles. I was buzzed, maybe even drunk by then. Trowa, who hadn't touched a drop of alcohal all evening, shook his head. "Baka," he mumbled with a sigh, putting an arm around my shoulders to support me as he led me to my room. I giggled softly, leaning into his shoulder, stumbling down the hall beside him. Oh yeah, I was definately drunk. How much of that champagne had I drunk? Three, four glasses? I wasn't sure of the exact count, but it must have been a little too much.

We reached my room, and Trowa practically had to pick me up and dump me onto the bed, I was so dizzy. Sighing again, he tucked me under the covers and brushed my bangs away from my forhead. "I hope you have a terrible hangover," he told me, half smiling. I grinned and reached for him, tugging on the front of his shirt.

"I love you, Trowa," I simpered in a high-pitched voice, bursting into yet another round of (you guessed it) giggles. He laughed too, ruffling my hair as he sat on the bed beside me.

"You really are wasted, Quatre," he stated. I put my arms around his waist and buried my face into the small of his back.

"G'night, Trowa-chan," I said, muffled by his shirt. Then I passed out.

Things were awkward for a while afterwards, with Wufei avoiding the rest of us at all costs and Heero and Duo...well, getting to know one another better. Things between Trowa and myself were deteriorating, to put it kindly. We argued a lot, never seeming to know what the other wanted out of our relationship, too afraid to ask. Trowa moved back to the circus with his sister, leaving me alone and once again depressed at this unfortunate turn of events. I loved him, so why was it so hard to show it physically? My condition worsened until I locked myself in my room , refusing to come out, neglecting my responsibilities as heir to the WInner family. Rasid pleaded, cajoled, reasoned, even threatened, but not even he could snap me out of this one. I slowly wasted away, rarely touching the food that was slipped under my door by the concerned Maganacs.

Trowa himself was alerted of my condition, and he took it upon himself to resolve the friction between us before I went beyond all hope of recovery.

"Quatre!" he called, rushing through the hallways as soon as he arrived, not even bothering to remove his wet coat from the heavy rain outside. "Stop this, now!"

"Why?" I asked sulkily, no longer willing to listen to reason. "I have nothing to live for. Leave me alone." I look back now and realize how childish I must have seemed to him at that moment.

"Fine then, you leave me with no choice." Then, he tried something the Maganacs had been saving as a last resort. He broke down the door.

A sorry sight he found when that door burst open; I was in terrible shape, hair matted and long from a month of neglect, eyes bloodshot and rimmed from lack of decent sleep, clothed only in my sheets and quilts. I hadn't washed in that entire month, and I'm sure I smelled awful, but he just walked over to the bed and gathered me into his arms.

"Quatre, my love, stop this, please," he begged, burying his face into my tangled mess of hair. Hot, salt tears stung my scalp, and I realized that he was crying. "If I had known... Quatre, I'm not worth this. Don't ruin yourself like this."

"Trowa..." And for the first time in that whole month, I cried, too. My emotional wall that had built up over time came crumbling down, and Trowa was there to pick up the pieces. "Don't leave me again," I pleaded, holding him to me as though I thought he would vanish right then and there. "Never again."

"Alright," came his gentle reply.

Now, Trowa is with me again, living with me in the very same room. He has his own private room, of course, but he rarely uses it. "Why sleep alone when I have everything I need in here?" he would say to me. We finally shared our first kiss, that very night he saved me. It was so wonderful, feeling his lips on mine, the warm contact of our bodies, his tongue as it slipped into my mouth... But that's a bit personal, so I'll stop at that. We had yet to go all the way together, but there was no hurry.

Yes, I feel remorse for what I put him and all my friends through back then, but it's all done and forgiven now. We're as happy as two ex-soldiers can be, still having our separate problems, but now able to work them out together instead of struggling along on our own. We had each other for that, and so much more...

Tonight was our first anniversary of the day we confessed our love. We celebrated with a nice dinner at one of our favorite restaurants, then a long soak in the hot tub. We then moved to the bedroom, where we... Well, let's just say we were together in that way for the first time.

I look down on him now, asleep. His face is almost angelic when he sleeps, so peaceful and content. I brush a strand of hair from his face and kiss his cheek softly. "Trowa," I whisper, "I love you."